Alex in Wonderland

My heart was broken

2010-09-03T11:25:00.000+08:00

While walking down the street this morning to look for a new apartment, I met lola Juanita. At the age of 85, she is still working, doing some hilot for 20 pesos. She lives alone in her "barong-barong" down the bridge. Her husband died a few years ago and her children left her. I saw tears in her eyes when I inquired more about her children. I offered her a ride and gave 100 pesos for lunch, she kissed me in return. I can't forget her face full of desperations, her frail voice saying I should take care of my own mother. My heart was broken to feel her struggles. My experience this morning made me re-think about my plans in life. Indeed, twas one of the best conversations I've ever had.

A Nurse's Tale

2008-01-07T01:26:00.000+08:00

It’s been quite a while since my last post, I apologize because of workload. I’ve also been tied up with the day-to-day operations of my everyday life. Still, it’s shameful that I’ve neglected this site for so long.

Christmas and New Year have never been better compared to last year, since I was surrounded by my loved ones especially my college friends. If there be any gift I received this Christmas, it would be the sense of fulfillment as a nurse and a teacher.

2008 is REAL; I can now feel the strike of the “quarter-age crisis”. I don’t want to spend another five years of my life in teaching, not that I hate my calling as an educator but the reality of becoming old. I don’t want to be looking at my students’ faces five years from now and reminiscing my college years. Right now, my greatest fear is to become old.

I spent my Christmas at Home for the Aged (Tahanan ni Maria, Carmona Cavite) where I am the Clinical Instructor for 50 nursing students (lived-in caregiver OJT course). It was an eight-day stay, 15-hour duty per day (from 5:30 am-10 pm) for a total of 120 hours.

I have always enjoyed being around the elderly, and this is probably the primary reason why I now love being a “nursing home” nurse. The opportunity to really “connect” and build relationships with your patients are not something which are always found in hospital setting where patient stays for only few days. There is a real challenge which comes along with taking care of someone for few months or years compared to few days. This challenge comes from trying to meet the client’s emotional needs as well as the physical needs to provide a comfortable “home like” environment for the client. The rewards received from meeting these challenges are significant, and are probably the major reason why many nurses in long-term care stay in the profession.

I know many years from now; I will be looking back at my own career. The things which I will remember will not only be how hard I worked or what technical skills I was able to perform effectively. The memories which will really stay with me will be those someone’s face lighting up when I entered the room; the reminiscences of days gone by, told to me by someone who actually lived them; the times when I laughed and cried with my patients or their families; the batch of cookies made for me by a patient’s daughter in gratitude for my care of her mother. But above all, it is the unconditional love you’ll learn from them. These are the things which make my job worthwhile, and the reason which I look forward to going to work each day and everyday. To those nurses who think of long-term care as an unrewarding, dead-end job, I strongly urge you to think again and maybe even to give it a try… You’ll be glad you did.

Mastering RAAS and BP

2008-01-07T01:14:00.000+08:00

This is the coolest way to master Renin-Angiotensin-Aldosterone-System (RAAS)and BP. The humor makes a lot of sense.

Circulatory System

2008-01-06T22:32:00.000+08:00

A very simple, brief explanation of the normal human adult blood circulation. Better than what I've heard from my professor way back in college.

Happiness First

2007-10-13T19:05:00.000+08:00

"The real troubles in your life are apt to be the things that never crossed your worried mind"

I want a brand new life. I want to resign from teaching. I want a more challenging career. I'm still on the process...

Well, if there is one thing I've learned during the 20 years I've spent on this planet that thing is, it's so silly not to live because of the fear of making mistakes...just because eventually you'll make those mistakes and all the years spent waiting for the perfect person you've dreamt about all your life long will make you feel like you've wasted the best part of your life. It may be because everybody makes mistakes, it may be because some asshole will come along and fool you with her pretty eyes and vile lies, it may be because that day you'll feel particularly alone and weak or it may be for a thousand of other reasons. Eventually, you'll fall somehow, and lying down there on the floor you'll cry but not for the mistake itself but for having wasted all your time for nothing, for having been so stupid to believe that if you would behave as a good boy then you'd get the deserved prize.....well, it doesn't work like this, definitely not. So that if someone will ever read this nonsense thing I am writing. You may want to take this advice from a perfect stranger. ......live your life today, keep the future clear in your mind and never forget what you really want out of this life and always live for the present, because if we keep bragging ourselves for that future happiness we always long to have,then we will spend our entire life just preparing ourselves to be happy but we will never actually be happy.

ZYGOTE- Pulis Pangkalusugan

2007-09-26T04:54:00.000+08:00

Twenty years ago, Enemies were defeated by a brave warrior who fought to save Earth and the rest of the universe. Now that he has gone, the universe is once again threatened by the same force that tried to capture it before -- and a new breed of heroes is needed. Who will fill the shoes of the brave warrior of old? And what new villains are in store for the heroes-to-be?

Don’t miss the adventure that will take you to the far reaches of the universe. ZYGOTE, Pulis Pangkalusugan.

I Miss My College

2007-09-22T22:49:00.000+08:00

So I'm six months away from the end of my college career, and I all I can think about is how much i miss my lifestyle. And I don't mean the parentally funded minimal responsibility way of life that I've grown so accustomed to.

As much as I love college, I hope it's not the best time of my life. It just seems a little sad to think that life peaks at age 22, and you spend the next sixty years missing the days where you and your friends would get drunk, hook up with randoms, and videoke all night.

I miss the hospital stress

I miss the hospital alarm.

I miss my group mates.

I miss my batch mates especially those who didn't make it.

I miss sem breaks. I spent my last one in Tanay. I miss the hallowed halls of the Nursing Lounge, the Riverside of San Jose.

I miss that clean NAL floor-waxed shine, which happens only during school nursing rotations, when your dean forces you to do it while wearing your white uniforms.

I miss those guilty weekends when I kept on editing photos and videos while my classmates are busy with the review.

Now, I'm a teacher I just can't do it again with my students.

Class Picture

2007-09-12T16:25:00.000+08:00

Welcome to Nursing! The most exasperating career ever invented. It is also the most fulfilling. I can guarantee you intangible rewards that can rarely be matched by any other profession. I can also guarantee that as a nurse:You will never be bored.You will always be frustrated.You will be surrounded by challenges - so much to do and so little time.You will carry immense responsibility with very little authority.You will step into people's lives, and you will make a difference.Some will bless you. Some will curse you.You will see people at their worst - and at their best. You will never cease to be amazed at people's capacity for love, courage and endurance.You will see how life begins and ends.You will experiene resounding triumphs and devastating failures.You will cry a lot. You will laugh a lot.You will know what it is to be human and to be humane.

just passed the boards

2007-08-26T17:15:00.000+08:00

ALEX B. OLIVAR JR., RN

I'm Back

2007-08-16T18:11:00.000+08:00

I'm back after a short break from blogging. First off, I would like to congratulate my students. Today is your day! Just remember what a great professor once said: "Rain rain will go away! exams will be on another day! Stress is essential and so are midterms".

It has been a while since my last post. I apologize for neglecting my blogging duties, but please stay tuned to this channel for further updates. Nothing's new here except for the increased anxiety levels. The exam results will be released by the end of August, probably August 27, because it's Monday this is according to the BON. Please help us Lord! Oh my, thats a day after my birthday.

It's my party, I can cry if I want to, cry if I want to.
You'll do that too if it happened to you, tentententen-ten...

Acquaintance Party (Main)

2007-08-05T14:34:00.000+08:00

click on the image to view the entire album (enlarge thumbnails for high res pic)
click on the image to view the entire album (enlarge thumbnails for high res pic)

Nutrition Seminar (Main)

2007-07-31T23:02:00.000+08:00

click the image to view the entire album
click the image to view the entire album

Acquaintance Party (C-5)

2007-07-31T07:14:00.000+08:00

Nutrition Month Seminar (C-5)

2007-07-29T14:56:00.000+08:00

Click on the image to view the entire album

Celebrate Life!

2007-07-14T08:09:00.000+08:00

I got new career! and I'm becoming vegetarian. Just sad that I'm losing weight because of teaching and I don't have much time for myself. Well, It's called " A brand new life!" I'm proud to say that I'm now a full-time college instructor. I'm teaching Nutrition and Dietetics, Home Management & Meal Preparation, and Emergency Nursing. I'm having a hard time adjusting for my new life. But I love my job more than ever. MY CHARM HELPS ME A LOT!

And I'm receiving instant celebrity treatment from my students just the way I like it. Hahaha

Last Wed, I taught them how to make salads (low salt, low fat). The truth of the matter is that you can make salads out of whatever your little heart desires. I am going to give a few basics to remember in the making of salad dressings, and in future posts will give you several different salad dressings, if you have a favorite, drop me a line and I will post a recipe for you

The best way to season a salad is basically with the addition of a little oil and vinegar or citrus juice directly into your greens and seasoned with a little salt and fresh ground pepper. With seasoning salads I have found that usually the simpler it is dressed, the better it is.

More pictures

I love my job!

2007-07-05T17:55:00.000+08:00

Sorry guys I haven't been able to spend as much time blogging as I'd like of late, mostly due to a fairly intense weeks at work. Currently, I'm teaching Nutrition to HRM and Nursing students. I'm so lucky to get my dream job at a very early age.I'm making a history, I'm the youngest college instructor ever employed in the school.Everyone is just smiling at me and I feel like a little boy waiting for his school bus. Thank God I didn't have to be a call center agent while waiting for the results of the board exam.

The nice thing about teaching nutrition is that you get the chance to eat a variety of nutritious foods like salads prepared by your student for free and specially made for you.

I'm soo nutritious!

Boards Results

2007-06-30T10:28:00.000+08:00

The results of the June 2007 nursing licensure examinations will be released in August, or a month later than the results of past tests have been, a member of the Board of Nursing (BoN) said Friday.

“The release of the June 2007 nursing li censure examination results will be out by August 15 or 17 up to 31 at the Professional Regulation Commission office in Manila,” Marco Sto. Tomas of the BoN, which prepares and oversees the entire exam process, said.

-PDI

The delay must be due to the volume of examinees this year. Tomorrow is another knife.

Marimar

2007-06-22T17:24:00.000+08:00

The partial list of casts & characters of the most awaited drama on prime time TV "Marimar"

Marian Rivera as Marimar/Maria Del Mar Perez later on Bella Aldama
Dingdong Dantes as Senior Sergio Santibañez
Richard Gomez as Renato Santibañez
Wendell Ramos as Gustavo Aldama
Bing Loyzaga as Angelica Santibañez
Jonee Gamboa as Padre Porres
Manilyn Reynes as Corazon
Desiree Del Valle as Natalia Montenegro
Julia Clarete as Inocencia Del Castillo
Victor Neri as Bernardo Duarte
Mylene Dizon as Josefina
Rita Avila as Selva
Tintin Arnaldo as Brenda
Mike Tan as Choy
Pekto as Arturo

Michael V. as the voice over of her canine dog "Fulgoso"
and many more...

Directed by: Bb. Joyce E. Bernal

PEP

Put male nurses in panties!

2007-06-19T20:39:00.000+08:00

I reported this morning for my first day as a school nurse. Unfortunately, something terrible happened, which made me depressed the entire day and forced me to rethink my future. All the while I thought everything was alright until the administrator talked to me saying that he is denying my application BECAUSE I’M A MALE NURSE. He realized that hiring a male school nurse would create problems about parents allowing their children- especially girls, receiving care from a male nurse. The school just wants to avoid unwanted feedback from the parents. Nursing gender bias is so ingrained. This is very archaic and discriminatory. I feel so prejudiced. It's like that old riddle about the man who brought his son to the surgeon, and the surgeon says "I can't operate on this boy, he's my son!" and nobody gets it (the surgeon is his mom).

While I really love the profession, I haven’t enjoyed being treated like a woman.

I remember during my clinical rotation as a student, I am used to encountering discrimination. I have given up on taking affront to or trying smart remarks when asked if I am a nurse. I just smile and confidently inform the patient/family that I am indeed the student nurse for the day (have to admit I still conceptualize those remarks). People just assume I am a Doctor when I go into a room and ask me to go and get the nurse for them.

It’s really hard being in a female-stereotyped profession. In my opinion, a male nurse takes more time to develop trust with some patients and families.

Given the possibilities in the near future, I would still proudly say that I'm a Male RN. It hurts like scalpel that a minority of the public is still ignorant in perceiving all nurses as females wearing a white hat & white uniform. The public must overcome this concept that the nursing profession is just a woman's job.

Remember Ben Stiller in the movie "Meet the Parents?" His chosen profession was the butt of all jokes in the storyline.

"After all of the chaos [Stiller's character causes], the one thing the father can't forgive is that he's a male nurse," he complains. "I don't see that as funny."

TRIVIA:

Do you know that nursing originally was male-dominated profession before it was feminized by Florrence Nightingle. She is worshipped by the modern nursing community for her contributions. Unfortunately, this incident indirectly drove men out of nursing.

I strongly believe that Men in nursing are healthcare’s best-kept secrets. Hire me.

Just got hired for my first job

2007-06-17T00:56:00.000+08:00

I'll start this monday for my first job as a school nurse. The board exam result is still pending (release is on July 15). I was amazed they provided me this opportunity given the fact that I'm not yet a registered Nurse. Honestly, I don't care about the salary, all I'm after is the job experience. I made a promise to myself and my classmates that never should I include call center on my job list, over my dead body! No offense to call center agents. But, today, everyone is just studying to become a call center agent without realizing that the amount of hardwork you put on it only tantamounts the (large?) sum of money you are actually earning minus the abnormal sleep patterns.

Ten years from now, I'm seeing myself as a Community Nurse. Smiling on less fortunate children while giving them vaccines ( then posing for pictures afterwards, lol). Why would I work abroad if my fellow Filipinos are sick?(sounds self-righteous?). I don't want to work in a hospital setting. I mean, hospitals are just second on my list . You know, If the goal of nursing is preventive rather than curative, why would anyone spend more time alleviating illnesses rather than preventing it from occurring and promoting health in statistically probable areas. I'm sorry but for me and Dean Lopez, we believe that 90% of the patients are not in the hospital. They are in the community. They are our mother, father, brother sister brush your teeth. Seriously, If nursing in a 'real sense' actually abiding on it's principle about quality care then we would have reached our goals on decreasing morbidity and mortality rates. The problem is, the more expanded the nursing roles today, the complicated it gets. In order to achieve this, I need to pass the board exam in the soonest time possible so that I could reformat the Philippine health care system.

I sing this song to all of my age

2007-06-14T10:15:00.000+08:00

Here is my second video, Next in Line. Dedicated to all future RNs.

Being a nurse you see life in a different light, but people never realize the importance of nurses until they find themselves on a hospital bed. I know it's not important for us.

I can't wait to call you guys my colleagues!

Who's life will i save tonight?
Someone is alive today because of my duty.
Sometimes we cry cause we can't save them all,
A baby's first breath when he looks at me,
The joy of my first delivery.
The tear i wipe a way with my own hands,
The life ending of a gentle old man.
How many mothers will greet their babies with a kiss?
I will be strong when i am needed
That is my job, I am a nurse..that is my duty.
-Dawn Butler, RN

Photo of the day

2007-06-13T09:41:00.000+08:00

Christian Bautista at his best!

Board's Over!

2007-06-12T17:46:00.000+08:00

Finally, board exams are over! I was assigned in P. Gomez Elementary School, somewhere Espana. During breaks, I took pictures as usual, because nobody can stop me!! I even asked my seatmates for a group picture. Now, the painful moment is here, the waiting, waiting for the result. I know everyone would agree that the hardest part is the Nursing Practice IV, damn! most of the questions talked about cancer, the subject I hate the most. My life resumes to normal but i have to get my self employed before you call me irresponsible. And while the BON prolongs the agony I'll resume blogging.

To my seatmates: Please click the pictures to go to my multiply page and get the high resolution copy

My New Baby

2007-06-05T15:25:00.000+08:00

Last weekend, I bought my self new pets. I picked one that does not demand for extra care -Colored chicks, vendors are selling it to kids outside school campuses, they colored it with dyobos to appear more attractive. Aren't they adorable? I know it's too early for Easter holiday, but this is the frustration of a man who always wanted to have a cute dog when he was a kid. I caution parents not to give chicks to their children as pets, because we all know kids are stupid and baby chicks are adorable, they will inevitably put them in their mouth or kiss them, not knowing if it's infected with salmonella.

So I decided to name them Josh and Michael, too bad Josh died (pink one) the next morning. I burried him in the backyard with my heart broken. I have to go back to the vendor and buy another Josh. I hope they will grow and infect my neighbors with bird's flu.

I remember when I was still a cute kid, I didn't really have the chance of raising a dog of my own. So, I wished to my mom on my 8th birthday to buy me a cute and harmless dog. So she bought me one,I was so happy until I was rushed to the nearest hospital because I was bitten on my eye brow. The next day she sold the poor dog named Coffee and bought me pig and ducks as pets instead, which we ate on my next birthday. I was bitten by a dog for more than five times, no joke! I'm so lucky to be still alive- that is the reason why we don't have pets in the house.

I love Dogs but they hate me! huhuhu...

P.S. Next Easter, please have some sense, don't send live chicks in the mail, because it's inhumane.

Board Exam: Tools and Essentials

2007-06-04T15:31:00.000+08:00

This post is best read while listening to this song.

Im getting ready to take the board exam, five days left.I'm burned out. I just want to finish this long awaited stressful day. It's more like, I'm ready for them to be over. The more I study, the harder it gets. So better not study at all.But, you know what, I just realize, like today that no matter how hard or long you study, there will always be questions on the test that you havent studied for.The key is to understand the basics and work through the questions given based on the knowledge you have and the items you've studied.

It's enough that I read the new Public Health Nursing book for nurses cover to cover and as well as Udan. This is strategic because Public health book is endorsed by the DOH and no doubt, the contents will be included,--Udan because this is the manual used by UP since board examiners are mostly UP graduates. I still have IMCI (Integrated Management for Childhood Illnesses) to finish.

Oh no, I sounds like I have put in good solid study time and will probably do fine on the exam (blogging perhaps is the key).

Everybody, please speak before me...

I will know some,I can narrow some down to two answers, ~~I will cheat some (kidding!)~~ and some I just have to guess!

Best of luck to me and to everyone who will take the boards. See yah in hell!

New Guidelines in BP Monitoring

2007-06-04T01:14:00.000+08:00

(note: may only be applicable in Philippine settings )

Measuring and monitoring blood pressure are common knowledge to all nurses including those graduates from proprietary nursing schools and yet, is often performed incorrectly. To standardized the procedure,(especially in community settings where there is no Digital equipments available) the Philippine Society of Hypertension provided guidelines and was translated by the UP College of Nursing for Nurses. (It is published in the new Public Health Nursing book endorsed by DOH).

Common Errors:
1. Some obese people are incorrectly diagnosed with hypertension when in fact their blood pressure is actually normal. This false diagnosis is usually based on improper use of blood pressure equipment, namely using the wrong sized blood pressure cuffs.
2. Improper application of BP cuff (Ideally around the upper arm 2-3 cm above the brachial artery). Apply cuff snugly with no creases.

3. Arm is not within the level of the heart

4. Not rested at least 5 min prior to procedure.

5. The client has smoked or ingested caffeine 30 min prior to procedure.

6. Nurse has not applied his stethoscope.

120/80 is the usual format in recording BP, but do you know that in the new guideline they include the Korotkoff Phase IV sound? So, in recording, you have to document it as 120-80-76 format.

During procedure, while deflating, we listen for pulse sounds (Korotkoff sounds) through stethoscope. We know that the appearance of the first clear tapping sound is the systolic BP (Korotkoff Phase I) and we record it as the numerator. Note the diastolic BP (denominator), which is the disappearance of sounds (Korotkoff V) unless sounds are still heard near 0 mmHg. In which case softening/ muffling of sounds is noted (Korortkoff Phase IV).
Document Phases I, IV, V by following the format for recording BP:
systolic/ muffling/ disappearance (e.g. 120-80-76)

Every NURSING procedure has a corresponding rationale. I believe that this is created to lessen errors in BP monitoring. Because errors in measurement may mean wrong decisions in blood pressure management, thus compromising care.

It is VITALLY important that clients become more aware and assertive about correct procedure in BP measurement.Of course, it is also important to note that not all diagnoses of BP problems are all inaccurate that one should ignore their blood pressure readings or disregard any diagnosis of hypertension. Not at all! It is that diagnosis of blood pressure problems should be done on the basis of accurate data.

Best Mom and Nurse in Town

2007-05-29T21:16:00.000+08:00

Her name is Beverly and she's the Best Mom and Nurse in town. I salute her for being strong despite all the struggles she had gone through when we were still kids. I remember when I was still young, I didn't want to go to school until highschool. I always wanted to go with her in the hospital where she worked, and she didn't force me to go to school. She knew deep inside that I will eventually have the confidence to face the academic world. This motivates me to become a Nurse just like her, even though she didn't force me to become one.

Right now, she has stopped practicing in the clinicals and decided to work as a clinical instructor in a nursing school. I always try to help her with teaching, but sometimes I'm too busy studying for the boards or blogging, perhaps.

Happy Mothers Day, Bevs.
This one's for you; the best mom in town!

The Price You Pay For Being A Professional

2007-05-29T21:14:00.000+08:00

The service at the Professional Regulatory Commission (like most government agencies here in the Philippines) was horrible. I dreaded and almost fainted because of the scourging heat of the sun. PRC just doesn’t have enough staff to meet the increase of applicants. The queue was extremely long and if you are not entertained on that very day you will have to fall back on the same extremely long line on the next day. Not to mention the ordeal you had to go through of lining up early in the morning (like 3am) and waiting for almost entire day just to go through the application process.

The PRC predicted that 80,000 nursing applicants will take the licensure exam, compared to 43, 000 last year, they extended the registration until May 15 2007 not to mention the date of extension they gave to the June 2006 examiners who wanted retake.

The reason for the increase in the number of applicants filing for the boards this June is because most of the June 2006 passers wanted retake. Even though their retake is non-licensure in nature and will not affect the validity of licenses previously issued by the PRC, they are doing it so that they could take the CGFNS and apply for work abroad.

If ever should I fail the boards, I will not take PRC examinations ever again just because of this harrowing bureaucratic experience. Applicants surely deserve something better.

I'm out! I left the Bomb!

Starbucks with Yumi

2007-05-29T21:11:00.000+08:00

Last night, I spent 3 hours waiting for spidey 3. Now, whenever i see starbucks i always remember

I Bleed For You

2007-05-29T21:09:00.000+08:00

Im here to BLEED for you, into a bag, for free, minus the juice.

For a long time I've been thinking about donating blood. Yesterday, my classmate, ate Mariam asked us to donate blood for her brother who has undergone an operation. So all of us decided to donate. After lunch we hurried our way to Medical City. In addition to helping her brother, my other motivation was not to "chicken out." I remember the lady who was screening me kept on smiling because she can't resist my honest answers to her sensitive questions. She was amazed because i didn't look as nervous as others but deep inside I was terrified. Since it was my first ever heroic deed for quite a while, I didn't have any idea how it would feel. But if you're going to ask how come that I'm a nurse, well, I've assisted patients into blood transfusion, but you wouldn't know how it would feel until you experienced it yourself. Moreover, we weren't asked to return demonstrate that bloody thing in nursing school because a Med-tech might lose his job.

I remember feeling that it was almost like having a baby – not that it was painful, but it felt like I was giving life to someone else. LOL

To be a blood donor you must:

Bring a valid ID (SCHOOL ID IS FINE) and know social security number
Minimum weight 110 lbs.
Age 17 - 76
Eat well (low fat) & drink fluids
No tattoos for past 12 months

Before you donate:

Drink plenty of fluids.
Don't forget to eat a good meal before you donate. Do not skip breakfast!
Eat these iron-rich foods in the week before you donate:

Fruit -- dates, dried apricots, dried peaches, dried prunes or prune juice, raisins
Vegetables -- beet greens, chard, dried beans or peas, spinach
Meat -- chicken, ham, liver, liver sausage, lean beef, lean pork, turkey, veal
Seafood -- clams, oysters, sardines, scallops, shrimp, tuna

Here are a few guidelines:

Frequency -- you can donate every 56 days.
Cold, flu, and sore throat -- you should wait until you're feeling normal.
Allergies -- you can donate if allergies are under control with no symptoms.
Antibiotics -- you must wait 48 hours after taking your last oral dose of antibiotics.
Tattoos -- wait one year.
Menstrual cycle -- you can donate during your menstrual cycle.

Here is the video clip of me donating blood:( sorry no sound)

Memories Gone Forever

2007-05-29T21:07:00.000+08:00

Last weekend, the computer was due for an upgrade. Since there are tons of files, videos, pictures and other documents in the old 40 gig hard drive, we got ourselves a new 80 gig internal disk drive for file migration. The technician installed the new drive and we paid him 350 bucks. The next morning, the computer failed to boot.

We went back to the computer store in Megamall to have it fixed.

The technician was on day off and the technician on duty that day said that the 80 gig drive was not partitioned and all of the files are gone - forever. The bad news was that the technician who installed the new drive did not format and partitioned the 80 gig hard disk properly.

Good bye to a year and a half's worth of memories. Huhuhuhu.

I almost died when i lost all my files especially the pictures and videos. God is great he didn't allow to lose my "CASES" (good thing i have secured back up on my e-mail). Furthmore, some pics and vids are on multiply.

Now, i'm surfing on a newly reformatted computer. Today, is the day i'm gonna live my life where every moment should be treated special. I have to move on and start picking up all the pieces. I guess i have to start by taking pictures of myself again.

Confessions 101

2007-05-29T20:53:00.000+08:00

As a child, I had a very nasty feelings about my father. I remember when I was 5 or younger, I used to say I love my mom but I hate my dad. I had a very strong Oedipus complex. I even proposed to my mother, I told her that I would marry her. I regarded my father as an adversary. My dad gave her so much stress and I‘ve seen her cry before. He would always went home so drunk, acting stupid and crazy and was even caught by my sister having sex with our maid. Mom was always yelling at Dad. I remember the time when he was hurting my mother, I stood before mom and told my dad: “Pa, ako na lang saktan mo ‘wag si Mama”, which made them cry. I would always argue with my mom why she can’t leave dad. For years she was the only one working for us and we could even do it without him. A couple of times my mom would pack our things and decide to stay for several weeks to grandma, aunt or sometimes close friends but still came home for reconciliation. Her martyr attitude seemed overly acted and just wrong. I don’t know if she was experiencing the battered woman syndrome but the fact that she can’t leave dad would only mean that she really loves her husband. I used to wish that he would just disappear for good. I thought my dad and I will never get along.

Now that I’m 20 and turning 21, I just realized that those childhood hardships have a negative effect on me as I grow older. Since I’m already in the “Intimacy vs. Isolation” stage. I am struggling to seeing my self as a strong and independent person but searching and staying in a relationship seemed to be the problem. I don’t know if it is the result of the unsuccessful resolution of the Oedipus complex. Love in my life seemed to be a must, it was all I knew, I thought everybody felt the same, I was alone and desperate for someone to make me safe and love me in the only way I knew. I was so afraid of life, in struggling with that. I am so afraid with the kind of relationship that my parents have.

The bad relationship I had with my father before helped me realize that if I want to transform any significant relationship in my life, I can stop trying to change others and open to accepting and loving everyone just as they are. By focusing on making shifts and changes in myself, I now know without a doubt that I alone can positively change any relationship in my life.

Yet, in looking back, I could see now what I once would never have admitted—I was just as stubborn as dad.

I wish I had a nice dad, he ran away for a day and then came back...

Moral lesson: Never date a Nurse especially when he has endured hardship in his childhood.

Behind the Scene Preparation for the Boards

2007-05-29T19:34:00.000+08:00

After the in-house review last Tuesday for the pre-board (CHN and Communicable Dse.), my friends and i went night swimming. This is the first time in many, many months. The pool is just across the street, which is open from 6:00pm - 10:00pm daily. We started the night swimming at 8pm until 10pm. Swimming was quite fun in the very clean and warm pool.

The Birds: Me, Arch, Adette, RA and Pew. Both Adette and I can swim (well she’s a much stronger swimmer than me, but I can usually prevent myself from sinking). It's really funny how my friend Arch strokes his arms, he was like a puppy starting to be drowned. RA was very conscious of her ovary might float but we know Pew is always there to hide it from us.

I could certainly feel the water pressure working on my muscle. Right at the end of our wet and wild session, I could feel some parts of my body aching. Furthermore, I decided not to swim too far away from the steps because of my fear of getting stranded in the middle of the pool. It would have been quite embarrassing if the poor lifeguard would have jumped into action and save my life. Did I mention that he was sleeping on his job? Maybe no one will save me afterall.

I hope that we could go back and eventually make it as a regular event. It is safe to say that swimming is the best exercise I've had all week. I’m also hoping that after swimming several times during the vacation, I will eventually wake up one Saturday morning to feel that my legs and arms aren’t aching anymore. This could be the tell-tale signs of being fit. Hahahaha!

Called To Serve

2007-05-29T19:20:00.000+08:00

So, when are you leaving on your mission?

I heard that question several times a week especially when i'm attending church meetings. If I was in a good mood, I'd dance around the issue, giving some vague answer. I still haven't decided yet

In many Mormon families, going on a mission is highly recommended when a guy reaches the age of 19 or older, attend one year of college or delay further education to volunteer for two-year domestic and foreign missions. The problem was when i reached 19, i continued my nursing career because i knew it was the right decision that time. A mission isn't something you want to be pressured to do but it's part of the culture, where the young men are strongly encouraged to go.

Among the rules when on such a mission: No visits home; only two phone calls permitted home each year, one on Mother's Day, one on Christmas, and no dating. Missionaries cannot date during their missions and are limited to sending friends and family one letter a weekEach missionary gets half a day off on Mondays to attend to personal matters, such as laundry.

Every day you wear the same thing: a white shirt, a conservative tie and a smile. The idea is to get people to open their doors to you, to get people to warm up to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

As one by one my friends made their way to the mission--I began to wonder if I was making a mistake in waiting. I felt like the young man who stays home from the war with vague claims of a disability, while all the townsfolk watch him disapprovingly. My mother urged me to go giving gentle suggestions, our bishop talked about what a handsome missionary I was, or would be. My siblings and parents kept nudging me in that direction. And still I resisted.

I'm turning 21 this year, 3 months to go and i'm graduating.

How will i spend the next two years of my life?should i grab the chance and go on a full-time mission? or should i stay for the board exam and get myself employed?

The Bible says in Mathew 6:33, "Seek ye first the Kingdom of God in his Righteousness and all things shall be added unto you".

I hope somebody could inspire me. Thank you for listening.

Pinoy Care from Asia's Pop Idol

2007-05-29T19:11:00.000+08:00

Sa 'yong haplos at mga ngiti, lungkot at sakit ay napapawi.
Saan ka man mapapunta alagang pinoy iyong pinadarama.
Sa Pinoy Care walang tatalo, Pinoy Care handog mo sa mundo!

NAGIGING mabenta ang charms ni Christian Bautista as a product endorser lately. Kung naaasar ka sa political ads ni Pichay, nasubukan mo na bang panoorin ang bagong TV commercial ni Christian Bautista? Utang na loob muntik ko na ibato ang remote. It was the most hilarious thing Asia's Pop Idol ever did in the history of his career.

Kilala ako sa school na nagfifeeling na Christian Bautista kaya naman mabilis kumalat ang kabaduyan ni Idol with matching trivias pa from my collegues.

Ganito na ba kahirap ang ekonomiya para gawin niya ang mga bagay na ito? Huhuhu. Hindi ko napigilang tumawa noong unang beses kong napanood. Walang hiya pati eskwelahan pinatos na. Hinahanap ko nga ang lyrics pero di ko makita. At ang mas nakakatawa pa dun isang negosyong nursing school pa. Mapapatawad ko pa sana siya kung Boy Bawang ang product endorsement. Hayaan mo Christian at ulitin ko ulit ang pang-aaral ng nursing sa St. Augustine. Wala na tayong magagawa kahit ano pa gawin niya... si Christian Bautista pa rin siya!

In fairness maslalo pang dumadami endorsements niya ngayon, hindi lang dito maging sa ibang Asian countries. Siya rin ang kinuha ng San Miguel Corporation na mag-endorse ng isang bagong line of soft beverage product in Asia starting with Indonesia kung saan siya tinatawag na Asia’s Pop Idol. Sa susunod tatawagin na siyang Nursing Pop Idol.

A Sad Day

2007-05-29T18:59:00.000+08:00

I have been home for a few days now, but it is still odd to come back from immersion. It was our last week in Tanay. I felt soo sad. We left Tanay yesterday morning with my heart broken. I was happy in Tanay, there I learn the simple pleasures of life, I learned that mountains bring peace, and in Tanay, I made some of the most honest friends I ever met. And it always feels like time moves differently there. It felt like a lot more than four weeks. I think any more than four weeks would be too hard. I would become disconnected from reality. Those few weeks feels like a life time. I will update more once i gotten back to reality.

The Boy Under My Bed

2007-05-29T18:50:00.000+08:00

Sometimes i sleep under my bed with my head sticking out

Call me weird! Call me regressed!
I just missed being cuddled and put back to bed...

But only sometimes when i am under emotional lows.When i was a toddler my mom would find me sleeping under the bed, in the bookcase, or behind the door. She would kept putting me back in my bed once i was asleep. Then when I was moved to my own room, I put pillows and blankets all around my bed. On particularly difficult days, I would sleep in the closet, surrounded by pillows. Now, I much prefer to sleep on the couch, because it has one side "enclosed" that I can sleep next to. I also prefer sleeping on my side, fetal position type. For me, it is probably that I was treated so badly by others, that I considered it very comforting to be enclosed, probably Freudian or whatever it is, for the womb feeling. Any place to feel comfortable and accepted.

I think it is because of the sensory experience of either surrounding pressure, or just simple enclosure, is probably at least partially accurate. Either i just love the feeling of pressure, or it would be because whether or not i can articulate what i am experiencing, at some level i know that i am different so i like enclosure and the feeling of aloneness and acceptance. Anyway, that is my opinion about it.