Confessions 101

As a child, I had a very nasty feelings about my father. I remember when I was 5 or younger, I used to say I love my mom but I hate my dad. I had a very strong Oedipus complex. I even proposed to my mother, I told her that I would marry her. I regarded my father as an adversary. My dad gave her so much stress and I‘ve seen her cry before. He would always went home so drunk, acting stupid and crazy and was even caught by my sister having sex with our maid. Mom was always yelling at Dad. I remember the time when he was hurting my mother, I stood before mom and told my dad: “Pa, ako na lang saktan mo ‘wag si Mama”, which made them cry. I would always argue with my mom why she can’t leave dad. For years she was the only one working for us and we could even do it without him. A couple of times my mom would pack our things and decide to stay for several weeks to grandma, aunt or sometimes close friends but still came home for reconciliation. Her martyr attitude seemed overly acted and just wrong. I don’t know if she was experiencing the battered woman syndrome but the fact that she can’t leave dad would only mean that she really loves her husband. I used to wish that he would just disappear for good. I thought my dad and I will never get along.


Now that I’m 20 and turning 21, I just realized that those childhood hardships have a negative effect on me as I grow older. Since I’m already in the “Intimacy vs. Isolation” stage. I am struggling to seeing my self as a strong and independent person but searching and staying in a relationship seemed to be the problem. I don’t know if it is the result of the unsuccessful resolution of the Oedipus complex. Love in my life seemed to be a must, it was all I knew, I thought everybody felt the same, I was alone and desperate for someone to make me safe and love me in the only way I knew. I was so afraid of life, in struggling with that. I am so afraid with the kind of relationship that my parents have.

The bad relationship I had with my father before helped me realize that if I want to transform any significant relationship in my life, I can stop trying to change others and open to accepting and loving everyone just as they are. By focusing on making shifts and changes in myself, I now know without a doubt that I alone can positively change any relationship in my life.

Yet, in looking back, I could see now what I once would never have admitted—I was just as stubborn as dad.

I wish I had a nice dad, he ran away for a day and then came back...


Moral lesson: Never date a Nurse especially when he has endured hardship in his childhood.